When we’re going through a hard time, it’s kind of those in our lives to want to make us feel better. Their intentions are pure, trying to encourage us that “everything will work out” or telling us to “stay strong.”

But for those in our community living with metastatic breast or gynecologic cancer, what can be intended as encouragement from a family member or friend can come across as insincere and sometimes even hurtful. Constantly focusing on the positives without acknowledging the very real fears that people face living with this diagnosis can be overwhelming and harmful. This is known as toxic positivity.

A member of the Coalition’s community living with metastatic breast cancer recently shared her thoughts on toxic positivity: “I try to take it in stride, because I know people mean well. They wish to be supportive and it’s hard to know what to say to someone experiencing a rough time. And I certainly appreciate a positive attitude and positive vibes. But it can really feel dismissive and shuts down the conversation on my end,” she said.

While the intention of friends, family and colleagues is to provide reassurance, a “stay positive” mindset isn’t always realistic. The impact hits different than the intention, especially for those living with metastatic disease.

“Most of us just want someone to listen to us,” she continued. “The disease can’t be solved. We just want to be heard.”

Being heard is validating. Listening with an open heart, even if you don’t know what to say, can be validating. Acknowledging that someone is going through a tremendously challenging time and that not everything is okay shows support.

Here are a few ways to show that you care for someone living with metastatic breast or gynecologic cancer:

Practice active listening.

When we listen, focus on what is being said and shared. Paraphrase or repeat back to them what you heard so that they know you were listening. This provides reassurance and comfort.

Acknowledge the unknown. 

It’s okay to acknowledge that you don’t know what to say. A metastatic diagnosis comes with countless unknowns. Telling a loved one that you don’t know “the right words” lets them know you’re honest and open to listening.

Ask how to support them!

Be curious – not in an overly intrusive way, but just in a way to show that you care and want to learn what support looks like to them.

Focus on the present moment.

It’s easy to get ahead of ourselves, and that can quickly turn into comments like, “It is all going to work out!” Staying in the present moment allows us to validate our loved one’s feelings, concerns and fears in real time.

Make sure you care for yourself, too.

If a loved one is going through a difficult time – whether related to a cancer diagnosis or otherwise – this affects you as well. Make sure to prioritize your needs and wellbeing. Showing care to ourselves is so important.

If you or someone you know is living with metastatic breast or gynecologic cancer, you are not alone. Reach out to us at info@bccr.org to learn about our Common Ground Discussion Group. We are here for you.